Davey's birthday always sneaks up on me. Tomorrow my baby boy would be five years old and starting school in the fall, raising hell with his sisters and looking more and more like his daddy. It surprises me how sad I get around his birthday, even with the time that we've had to heal and move forward with our family life. In a way I'm glad that I still go through hell every year. It reminds me that that piece of my heart is still there, even though it's broken.
While we were shopping last week, Gracie spotted some solar garden lamps and thought they were really cool. So we got one for Davey's grave for his birthday. We've been wanting to get him one for a long time, so it was the perfect present. As I was lying in bed today thinking about the solar lamp I started thinking about what gifts my little son has given to me. They are many, meaningful and shape and enrich my life each and every day.
The first gift that my son gave to me is a deep and abiding gratitude and testimony of the Plan of Salvation which our Savior made possible for every person on the earth. We can live with our families, our Savior, and our Father forever if we will cling to the gospel and it's teachings. What greater gift is there than to be with your family for eternity? None. I cannot wait to hold my baby boy again. And I know that I will. That is truly amazing.
My brother-in-law Ryck gave the benediction at Davey's funeral wherein he thanked the Father for the Spring season and the hope that it gives to us in the Resurrection. I think of that prayer every time Davey's birthday comes around and Spring is on its way.
The second gift that my son gave to me is a firsthand knowledge of grief that allows me to relate to others as they experience trials. This is truly a gift, even though it sounds a bit daunting. Hard times expand our capacity to feel. The Savior experienced each and every pain and trial that every man and woman will suffer. His capacity to feel what we have felt is all-encompassing. We can ask him for comfort during trials because he KNOWS what we have felt. I feel like a gained a little bitty piece of that knowledge myself. I feel more in awe of my Savior because of it.
The third gift that he gave me is a greater appreciation for my other children. I remember writing an email to my work friends right after losing Davey explaining what had happened. One of my friends responded back that he had gone home that night and held his babies tightly and thanked God for them. That made me feel so good inside.
The fourth gift (men, just skip over this one...) was that Davey prepared my body to have my girls. My Mom had 4 C-Sections to deliver her babies. I was always worried that I would have the same. C-Sections are so hard on a woman's body. My little guy was a mini-might...just under 5 pounds. He paved the way for me to have easier deliveries. I am so thankful for this.
There are many, many more blessings which have come into my life because of my son. I could never list all the ways that having him has changed me. But as I look back on his birth and death, every year I have a new appreciation for him. What an amazing blessing he has been to me. Happy birthday sweet Davey!
Quote of the Day:
"Where, when my aching grows, Where, when I languish,
Where, in my need to know, where can I run?
Where is the quiet hand to calm my anguish?
Who, who can understand? He, only One."
~Emma Lou Thayne, Where Can I Turn For Peace?, Hymn 129
